For the past 5-6 years I have been experiencing boughts of depression that vary in strength, but are very recurrent. They last different amounts of time, but as I have gotten older they haven't seemed to be as bad as when I was a teenager.
I have also found however, that now my depression seems to cycle almost? I will go through periods of feeling very low and depressed and then feelings of perking back up, and then periods of being impulsive and causing a lot of damage and then becoming depressed once more only to pull myself out of it again. I feel like my priorities and desires are constantly changing.
From what I have found, I often go through periods of depression, and isolate myself quite a bit in the winter time. And towards the summer I become uncharacteristically extroverted and hypersexual.
A few summers ago I was hospitalized for a suicide attempt because a boyfriend of mine broke up with me. After leaving I felt a lot better. And then a good friend of mine died and I became an absolute mess. I spend a ton of money on clothes, I went from having sex with 2 people in my entire life to about 15-20 (I don't even remember) in a few months and binge drinking with completely new friends. A few months later I had changed again from this though.
I dont know if this was potentially due to the events that happened at this time, or just me?
Last summer as well, I cheated on my boyfriend multiple times and binge drank. I manipulated people and I did things that in this moment I dont understand how I had any interest in, I paid off my credit card only to rack it up again in less than a month. My relationship is still healing from what I did, and I am scared I will change again and nothing will ever last.
I have been diagnosed as bipolar once, when I was 16. I didn't take the diagnosis seriously because I found the doctor was asking me leading questions and I never ended up seeing him again, but now I dont know...
What do you think?
|