Sadly, abusers don't like/hate themselves and take out their stuff on others. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. My mother was verbally abusive and recently died. I think we mourn for what we wanted to have and never got. We grieve for that mother that we wished that she was.

You may want to consider writing a letter of restorative justice.....that says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel.

Perhaps discussing it in therapy might help...go on and on about her; I find that the more you talk about it/abuse is helpful.

Holding in that toxic stuff affects you not only emotionally but physically.