Hi jinny, I'm so sorry about all that's going on with you. It sounds like there are some engrained communication patterns between you and Tony. Couples can learn to communicate better. It may only take a few sessions with a couples therapist. Have you ever considered this? It sound like you both care deeply for each other and do not want to split up. I bet some coaching on communication could really help.

I am reading a book right now on communication that I really like. It talks about the error of trying to "fix" things when often people just need empathy. This is a skill I can really improve on, because although I'm not a guy, I tend to try to "fix" things for people too. Anyway, this might be a book that could provide some useful insights: Non-violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. I found with my husband that he didn't like to hear from me what I wanted, it was as if I were "correcting" him or "bossing" him or something like that which he found offensive. But if he read something in a book or heard it from a trusted expert (especially if male), then he could "hear" better, even if the words were exactly the same ones I would have spoken myself. (I'm not saying this is the case in your relationship, but nevertheless, this is a good book!)

Best wishes. Take care.