So it's coming up to the fifth anniversary of my first major suicide attempt. I normally try not to dwell on this as I know it's not healthy, but I keep finding it creeping back into my thoughts. There is little I can do to ignore it so maybe I need to write it out.

Every year I always half think "well it's a good time to try again" but I don't think I ever really mean it. But I keep thinking about it now. Even when I am not actively suicidal I still find myself coming up with the next date to try (and succeed). So yes, this is the next date. But I have to keep reminding myself I can't. I have a lot planned for this year...I'd be letting too many people down.

I just hate that in the five years since I woke up in hospital and realised it didn't work I still feel the same way about it. Regret that I was still breathing. Disappointed. Determined to do it right next time. I feel like I will never move on from that.

The fact is I still hate living. My life has got steadily worse since that attempt. I am stuck and can't seem to change it.

I don't want to live. I don't know what will change that or what will make me stop trying to make that happen. I just can't keep on like this.