Hi whisperingskye

It sounds to me like you've put a lot of thought and effort into trying to move on from then and the way you're feeling, so I'd say that you do need to give yourself a lot of credit for that
And some of the things you've mentioned do work really well for some people.........trying not to dwell on things.........planning things and reminding yourself of them........using the thought of other people as a motivator.........so you seriously have done fantastically from that angle..........seriously well done!!!
But I'm just wondering whether maybe some of those things may not be working for you as well, as they don't for some/even lots of people.........you know different strokes for different people..........
The thoughts of not letting people down.........well you feel how you feel, and perhaps when things are hard that could lead to you feeling guilty, that you might not be able to live up to "expectations", that you have to "put on a mask".........and those things have to make things even harder for you???
To me, struggling as you are..........that's not about letting people down, feeling as you are, you're not choosing any of this or the way you feel........and hopefully people who matter would be compassionate, caring and supportive towards you if they knew......so maybe it needs to be much more about you and letting some of those people who matter "walk with you", support you more through this???
And planning things and reminding yourself of them can be great.........but equally if you're not as "passionate" about them.........as will come with depression........and they're longer term.........
Although maybe if you narrowed some other plans down a little........??? As in, plan something weekly, which can be smaller but personally meaningful if you can think of anything??? Like you could phone someone every xday, you could go somewhere (a place) every yday, you could try writing something every zday..........and that could even tie in with little changes in your life........sometimes they can add up..........
And........you've already nailed the last bit about trying not to dwell on things........yes, the feelings are real/very real, the feelings are there, and they're not going away........I'd absolutely agree that it may be good to really acknowledge them, instead of in a way "bottling them up"/trying to avoid them.......so really good idea on writing them down
And keep on sharing with us as well, hey?? I know there are lots of people here who can offer support

Alison