ok DadFMF, it is I who now sees what you are saying. I am happy to hear that you are moving on but am really sorry to read of your overall situation (2nd cheating spouse, loneliness & children who remind you of life w/her). This must be very disheartening. I can understand why it is hard to focus.

These facts can't change of course, it's part of your history now.

I am not qualified to help here but moving forward, maybe you can replace some of those things with your own. Do things with your kids that 'belong to you (& to them).' In time it may begin to feel that way.

• Experiences/activities you did together with her,
• Experiences/activities she does with them &
• Experiences/activities they do with you

- all separate units, unique to each.

Where companionship is concerned, this one is tricky & complex. Again, I am not qualified here but just 'thinking aloud' as it were ...
(BTW, you are right, re:NOT worth your career - that's your investment),

Moving forward you may really have to scrutinize the women you meet.
They seem to want a nice guy with whom they enjoy some benefit(s), (or they wouldn't have gone with you) but still do their own thing, 'cake-eating'.

• Is there a certain type of woman that you are attracted to? Or something about their personalities ?
• Is there a group or network in the military where other officers have similar experiences like your own? It might be good to seek not only the current cases but the past ones to learn how they were resolved.
• What are key differences re the impact on military who have separated & those who have divorced, from military's perspective?

So far you are on right track & not doing badly given how painful your experiences are. Be mindful moving forward though re both career & potentially deceitful, crafty women ... I am glad you are not ready for other women anyway. You really need the time to heal.

Wish I could be or more help - but will check on you again. take care