I am a pathological liar and have realised that I internalised all the lies that I told.
I don't know where to start when it comes to amends. I have told my partner everything as well as my siblings.
Things they keep questioning me about, which are true, they obviously think I am lying about that too. I can understand their position but I have reached a point where my tone is completely flat and I am not speaking to anyone about how I really feel. I was angry before when I got found out but am now glad that I can begin to come clean, However my dilemma is that everything that I have ever done is also coming into question. To clarify everything that I have ever done for others too. I had no motive with these things, but somehow after reading the literature and with the constant reinforcement of everyone's research I feel completely empty, I don't recognise myself. I have spoken to my therapist and that is not helping as much and I am assuming getting to the core of the problem will take much longer. I am almost praying and hoping there is something wrong in my head, because I cannot recognise myself. I used to think that I would put others before me but when I read literature about pathological lying it seems like I was never caring.
I used to think I was going out of my way to do what others expected of me and even though my lies were to my partner and not my family, it now seems like even in looking out for my family I wasn't really doing it and that I was lying to them.
I am uncertain of what is real and what is not. I feel like everything I ever did was a distant memory.
If I cared for someone I would put so much thought into stupid things like making dinner for them or volunteering to take them somewhere or buying presents for them. Was I doing all this for myself? I always planned birthday presents way ahead of time so I could put aside money and buy something the other person actually wanted rather than a last minute rushed present. I would cook for family dinners or my partner, I do enjoy cooking, but for these occasions I would go out and source the best materials and put my heart and soul into it. Now it seems like it was all ********, that I didn't do anything.
If someone was sick I would look after them voluntarily, seldom was that ever returned other than the phonecall or do you need anything once in a while. Did i dream that I was this other person when all along I was a pathological liar with no empathy?
I really need help, I have been thinking of trying hypnotherapy but have to think twice as its expensive.
Additionally, my partner said he loved me more because of those lies I told and I told him now that he knows they were lies he probably loves me less- he said no that wasn't true. Am I stupid enough not to find logic in this? For example someone who is materialistic would only be with someone who is able to fulfil those needs and when they aren't isn't it more likely for the materialistic person to move on since their needs aren't being met? Or is that a bad analogy.
I really need advice and guidance in any way or form. I literally feel like I lived a lie even with the things I recall doing properly.