i have been off and on in therapy for a while....had to move alot for school so have changed some T's...all the while trying to be so aware how a T can help me to see how to help myself, yet wnating that T to save me from myself, to replace all the wounds with no scars...and, of course, i'm always disappointed and perhaps create some kind of transference situation that ends up with me feeling rejected.....

so i learned.....even if i'm in therapy, try my hardest to hold it together, try not to dissociate, try to not call even if i feel i have nothing left to hold onto in the world,
because i am just a number, filed away in the S's......
but sometimes, therapists make mistakes and i've almost trained myself to believe it's always my fault. i'm always needing too much. but my T made some suggestions/ideas with me tht she didn't keep. perhaps she lost time as well, or wanted to see what i would do if she didn't respond the way she had stated....
used to, i would have asked for help again....
this time, i did nothingn. it didn't matter anyway. she can't save me. but i wonder if it's always me that's wrong. right when we started, i said, "I hate mind games. I just want to know what's going on, why you are choosing to respond the way you are, or your thoughts beghind your words or actions..." it was that way at first, now im back to guessing. and i don't have time anymore to try to work on a T's relationship with me...i need to get my %#@&#! figured out and sometimes i am not so sure the relationship issues that come up that i say nothing about are really a real issue for me. they don't happen in my real life but then again, the only people in my real life are people who i can ask directly, "What do/did you mean by that?" What was your intent?

I don't know. I wondering if i should quit therapy altogether. Maybe it's no good for me. I know your suggestion will be to talk to T about this but i have so many other "real life" issues on my mind that i don't seem to have the time. i dissociate badly, weent to pdoc and had difficulty even staying in the room to answer questions, kept feeling myself floating, away, away, away from the holidays.
i have did and the host is gone. T knows this. i know better than to call...and right now, i'm okay. i've got myself and everyone inside me....and i have things to comfort me.

i just want to be well and at the same time, my hope is dying quickly again. if i'm crazy, just let me be compeltely crazy so at least i'll not know what exactly is going on around me. transference, probably. human relations, probably. But i can't take much more.