I have some challenges going on with my parents too, only in my case my challenge is with my older sister who is very controlling and bossy. I avoid seeing my parents now because of how my sister has them living with her and she hovers to a point where it's very triggering not only for me but also my parents.

I don't want to be triggered and feel the way I do when I make the effort to go and visit my parents. I had a bad day yesterday because I struggle with guilt about avoiding that entire situation because of how I end up getting hurt and even worse is how I see the way my parents also get upset. Last night my husband said, "OE, that is how your sister makes everyone feel, on edge which is why I did not like going to her house on the holidays, and why my parents wouldn't go there either". My mother in law was finally honest with me about why she always declined invitations to go to gatherings. She was honest with me when she listened to me vent about how difficult it has been. She told me that when they did go my sister was mean to them once and they just felt too on edge around her. I have been slowly learning that is how everyone feels about my sister, including my parents that are at the point where they are completely under my sister's control.

As hard as it can be, it's important to try to separate your parents out to see them as how they are as people. Your parents push people away because they are so controlling and critical which is why their other children don't like having them around either. I bet your siblings feel the same way you do and even wish they lived away from your parents like you do.

I have finally realized how my entire life I always felt like someone was standing over me, I always felt like I had to look over my shoulder. I finally realized where that comes from, especially when I visited my parents the last time. I was more aware and sure enough, my sister was hovering and I realized how she had always been that way with me since I was very little. She is four years older and that really makes a difference in children.

Well, that can happen with parents too, parents that have a presence where they stand over their children in a "critical" and "controlling" way can create that "ghost" of feeling like someone is watching and judging and at any moment will "fault" and "criticize". When you struggle, and it sounds like your siblings also struggle, with the way you feel after connecting with your parents, even over the phone, this is how your parents ALWAYS made you feel.

We get our sense of self in our childhood even when we don't know any different. The things our parents say and do over us, if they have too much negative and so little nurturing can set the tone of how we develop our sense of "self" esteem.

If there is a negative presence standing over us, be it a parent or a sibling, it can set the tone of how we can feel about ourselves the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, this can be something that is handed down in families, which is why you don't want to be a parent yourself. However, sometimes a parent will remember their own feelings and make sure they don't create that challenge in their children. A parent has a general goal of wanting their child to do better than they did, unfortunately, a lot of parents go about that completely the wrong way which results in their child having problems with "stress and anxiety" rather than developing "healthy" self esteem of "their own".

What your posts reveal to me is that your parents were not only too critical and controlling with you and your siblings, but they left you with feeling you "owe" them and the conversations you and your siblings have with them are STILL presenting all of you with criticisms instead of recognizing you as adults that are striving on their own and no longer need that old style criticism that really should have not been there in the first place.

A lot of the challenges different individuals have is how they struggle with turning their anger inward. I have been challenged this way myself, and I have noticed I feel this the worst after being around my older sister. There are people that "guilt trip" others and those are the kind of people to stay away from, but to also in a way where you understand "why" and that it's not healthy for you.