Hello MatBell: I'm sorry you are experiencing so much despair. (I've been there a couple of times.) Suicide echoes down through the years & gives others permission to make the same choice.

One of the hallmarks of suicidal thinking is that the person's focus narrows to the point where they feel they simply have no other options which is, it sounds like, what is happening to you. But the reality is there are always other alternatives even though you can't see them at the moment.

Please reach out, in real life, for the help you need. And keep posting here on PC too... maybe participate in some of the upcoming chats, if you're not already doing so. That can help too. I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...