Doing better - feeling positive. I had a great T session. She's a relatively new T for me. I started seeing her fairly recently. I've liked her from the start but didn't have a full picture of her expertise nor had I determined what I wanted to focus on.

I have trust issues from a bad prior T rupture...I don't want her as a T if she easily flakes out. I told her what happened with my old T. She was empathetic and validating.

I told her I've made four half-hearted attempts to hire a new T, no one clicked and I just wasn't.ready then. I told her I liked our rapport and was ready to resume therapy - but I had questions about how therapy would go. And I didn't want to be CBT'd ad nauseam, lol.

(My prior T was great for four years and then couldn't handle countertransference. He terminated then asked me back to therapy. I went back, but couldn't trust him, although I tried. So I terminated. It was painful and I don't want that again. I just want to get the work done and if issues arise then we won't get bogged down. Waste of time, money, emotional energy. I want us to openly process any issues that may arise and get back to our work.)

When I arrived, I told her I didn't want to be there. I just didn't. I was being honest. She knows I'm struggling from my IP med disaster, but she was concerned and curious by my not wanting to meet with her today. I was just flat out honest and told her my mood state wasn't good. Didn't feel like a session today, but it was too late to reschedule.

I also told her that I wasn't sure if I could go further with her in therapy and I needed to discuss that with her in our session. I feel comfortable asserting myself as to my therapy needs and she is receptive, not defensive. I like that. No T baggage.

I told her I didn't distrust her, but I didn't trust her yet (due to a prior T rupture, not anything she did). I wanted to know about various things about her therapy experience, including mood disorder and anxiety experience, her views on transference, etc.

I told her that I didn't want to be a guinea pig or have her freak and terminate me because the work was outside her area of expertise. I told her I needed support while I care for my dying stepfather for now, it's a huge life event. A sad one.

I told her I need a lot help with daily living/functioning in regard to my anxiety disorders. I wanted to make sure she wasnt anti-med (she uses hypnotherapy and some holistic therapeutic techniques).

I told her that I'm open to her therapeutic style but didn't want her dissuading me from meds. She was cool with that. I told her my pdoc (they know each other) thinks hypnotherapy is not effective, but I was willing to try it. She told me he doesn't like EMDR, either, lol. I said I'm open to it. She asked if I needed nurturing and I said not particularly...just that I like empathy and direction...I'm not into chit chat.
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She has a lot of experience in trauma work and I have significant PTSD that I've never addressed in therapy.

We are going to focus on that after I've firmly settled into the grieving process of my stepfather's passing. I need to trust her on the PTSD trauma work because I am a noob (and nervous). She's experienced and motivated.

Of course, I cried through all this, lol.

So, we are good. I trust her and we have good rapport - I will be able to develop a healthy, therapeutic bond with her. Do the work, get healthier and eventually move on when our work is complete.

I'm feeling optimistic and hopeful. I can do this and she's qualified and we have rapport. And I can afford it financially...it is worth the investment. I'm going to see her weekly and be all in.