I did not know...my words here are locked....every where has rules...yes....I should have paid more attention....so much of my life is beyond my ability to control....and now to learn....there are holds.....it removes a safeness for me....I am anxious....from this knowing...I have parameters of timing...to think my way into knowing...that which I would stay....limiting.....it is not enough......for the freedom I reached for.....when 'it' comes at you....finding what you exposed...vulnerable...you become nakedly blind.....It runs shivers under my skin.......the breath pants....it's way.....OUT of comfort....That feeling.....of lights shining on you in the dark....spotlighted...........

Another shift in perception......this one...has left me...clenching.....that panic again rising...of being held in place....without the naturalness of choosing....to stay or to go....to watch and to listen....in silence.....again holding it back....that which weaves in the recoil waiting..........it will remain....beyond any target of my searching.......