Apologies for long post. I'll try to explain as best I can.
I am the 39-yr old mother of an exceptionally special needs Autistic and Intellectually Delay child, I myself am diabetic (4 insulin shots a day), CPTSD, OCD, and severe Anxiety/Depression disorder. I care for him 24-7 on my own at home, no help available whatsoever. My son has explosive meltdowns, severe manic episodes, and gets extremely violent and aggressive. He harms himself, others, and has caused thousands of dollars worth of property damage in the last year alone. And has been hospitalized in psych care for this countless times since he was 2. And to top it all off, I have the worst narcissistic ex bf (my son's stepfather) lurking around "To help out" and despite my many attempts, he will not leave.
This has been my life every day for the last 8 years. The constant meltdowns, getting beaten up by my 9-year old several times a day, my house getting destroyed, all while there is a man sitting on my couch, acting like my son and I dont even exist. (Unless he needs or wants something, of course!) Him even being here is a constant ptsd trigger, and my son's abusive behaviors trigger me as well. I'm averaging roughly 10 panic attacks per day now, and my anxiety stays so high that I am losing weight and blood sugar levels are up and down.
I'm weak, exhausted, and worn down. Have been for months. I feel the need to cry, but no tears well up. So I sit in shivering silence until it passes. I can't take anymore. I have given until I have nothing left of myself. I am empty, alone, and dying inside. Trapped in this situation and falling apart. Don't know what to do.