Hello flowerstar: I'm sorry you are having such a confusing experience. I don't have the degree of difficulty you do. But I also have a lot of anger issues & I also always feel confused & horrible after any of my anger episodes end.

I'm an older person now. But I always also wanted to be a really good person. Instead I ended up being a really bad person. I've never actually been given a real diagnosis by any of the mental health providers I've seem over the years. But the pdoc who saw me when I was hospitalized the last time suggested there might be a bipolar element to my condition. Perhaps what you're experiencing is simply the effects of your bipolar condition? I don't really know. But I do know how difficult it is when you just want to do good & all you seem to be able to do is bad. So I send hugs your way with the hope that you will be able to find deep peace within...