Quote:
Originally Posted by Zedsdead
I am in the midst of ending my relationship with a narcissist right now. So odd, when I saw your post pop up, i thought I had wrote it a while ago or something.. We too lost everything to our name and started renting out the basement of my parents acreage.
Im trying to find the courage to leave. I know it's not good for me or my children to be here with him. Iv sacrificed so much to be with him.. and i really only came to the realization that he was the problem about 4 months ago.
I feel stupid I have been losing myself trying to get this relationship on track for the past 2 years.. blaming myself for every thing that has gotten us into this rut.
I don't know where to find the strength to leave him. The guilt literally eats me alive every day for thinking about leaving and the shame I feel for staying is just as strong. I confused and hurt 
You are not alone. |
While the first post, '18 yrs, etc' , first caught my eye, your note spoke to me.
Married in '89 to (what I thought) an amazing guy - the first 14 yrs were pretty good, not perfect, but reasonably good. We both had good careers, have great parents with long terms marriages, enjoyed life. After several years of trying to have children, our twins were born in '98. We enjoyed entertaining, yraveling, etc. In '04, following shoulder surgery, my H became addicted to pain meds: Rehab#1. Then he added cocaine: Rehab #2. With extreme mood/behavior changes, along with continued use of drugs (etc) Rehab #3. With 2 small children, a successful business, our 'dream home', I was in Full Supermom mode- basically hiding our problems from our kids, family, friends, etc. Until I cracked from the pressure and started drinking, and eventually taking Prescription meds to 'handle' my stress. For 5+ yrs, I was in Hell... my H was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive. Several times jailed for violence and/or drugs. Only after my own DUI, did I find my way to AA (reluctantly, but hopelessly defeated). That turned out to be THE BEST thing I have ever done in my life.
I was given daily support to: Leave my H, forgive myself, create a new life for myself and my kids. Through mtgs, along with therapy for kids and I, we now know that he is (clinically) a narcissistic sociopath, still using drugs (now incl Meth). After 5 yrs separated - (originally he filed, then wouldn't show up for court, wouldn't tell us his address, etc. Still does not pay any child/spousal support). Now lives in another state with his transgender mtf 'girlfriend'.
Moral of my story: We Are better off w/I him. It's sad, but true. Kids are now 18, both happy, healthy, thriving. They have a tenuous relationship w/ their dad - they just accept that he's a major f**k-up. By the way, we too lost our home, business, cars, etc. But, today, we have peace, acceptance, hope, tolerance, joy, love.
That's a gift of AA.
Serenity Prayer is our daily - sometimes hourly - mantra:
God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (like my H), the courage to change the things I can (me, my perception, my attitude, etc), and the wisdom to know the difference.
Sending love...