this can not be explained in a forum like this ... it has taken me over 50 years to understand what I know about religion and our understanding about god and our relationship ...

it is not now or has it ever been my desire to change (either positive or negative) anyone's belief in there god ..

but from my perspective ... nothing you have expressed in your post leads me to believe "god" has talked to you in any way ... I am not a dr or medical pro of any kind ... but I feel your issue is some struggle your having with yourself ... I don't know shrink stuff or dr stuff ... but I know god stuff ... it's tough not having someone else to blame ... but I do not think you will ever get to the bottom of this issue until you look deep inside and try to discover why you would have these feeling about yourself ...

maybe time to consult a med pro or your gp ... maybe a therapist ... or if your close to one maybe a religious person ... for your pease of mind I ask you to stop dwelling on what you see as god's hand in everything ... and conscentrate on being kind to yourself ... understanding yourself ... forgiving yourself ... loving yourself .... and I feel when you start having a better opnion of yourself ... the world will start opening up to you ... peace to you my friend .... Tigger.