I'm trying to decide what to study, and something's messing me up.. My whole life, I've felt I want to help people - but at the same time, I feel this really intense hatred, almost, at the thought of having to help others..

I just realised it's to do with how I had to grow up.. I was always worrying about my mother, always trying to make sure she was alright - because if she lost it and became unable to take care of me, I wouldn't have had anyone. My dad didn't want me. And this trauma happened at an age when no one apart from my immediate family registered on my radar.. The only other person I had besides my mum was my brother, and he couldn't have done anything, he was a child himself.

Now I feel I need to just say I did not want to take care of my mother. I did not! I want to see what happens when I just put it out there, and hopefully have someone hear me.. Whether my dreams for my future will change I feel I need to put this to rest before I can know what I want to do..