This year I have largely succeeded in giving up alcohol. Until New Years Eve I tended to drink far too much on an evening. There was only one lapse a few weeks ago. My 13 year son has Aspergers/ADHD and his destructive antisocial behaviour caused me to become so upset I drank a lot of vodka.

I have been going to a support group and I expected some empathy from them and maybe there was but there was a lot of tough love about the negative consequences of binge drinking, i.e. being over the alcohol limit for driving the next day. This is all true, and perhaps it is what I needed to hear, I am not sure. But it left me feeling scared…. next time I am in a crisis, will I be able to resist? It highlighted the negative consequences, but without making me feel any more confident in my own emotional stability.

Its all very well talking positive, and rationalising what you should do and what you should not do. But when that crisis comes, will all that mean anything at all? Its almost like I become a different person when I am upset.
Fortunately my mental health has improved in 2017, I am not sure if I have stopped drinking because of this, or whether my health is better for not drinking. Perhaps it is a bit of both. So the crises are farther apart now. In fact this past weekend was very good, despite occasional problems with my son.

This morning I received a reply on Facebook from a lady who I messaged. She is my biological mother, who gave me up for adoption in 1973 when I was just a few days old. She said that she never felt I was meant to be hers and that she felt like a surrogate mother. She said she never wanted any contact with me and was tempted just to ignore my message. The reply was mostly cold and businesslike.

Whilst I can logically understand what she has said, I feel devastated.

This evening I am going to keep busy with helping my wife shopping and some things on my computer to distract me and keep me out of trouble.

Tomorrow I am going back to the support group, they said they are going to go through some “wise mind” with me. They are not professionals but volunteers fellow sufferers who have been on a training course. I am hoping I will be able to tell them that I didn’t drink, and that I have got through it. That way if the session helps me it will be a bonus, but if the session does not help me then I won’t feel like I have failed.