Shellbe, your situation sounds a lot like some of what I have struggled with too. When you move a lot, isn't it hard to establish and maintain relationships? I gave up on having friends when I was 9 years old, and then when I was a little older, and realized that I needed friends, I didn't know how. I'm learning.

Therapy is all about relationships. It's the connection and relationship with the therapist that allows you to eventually heal. For those of us who aren't good at relationships, one of the biggest challenges is to establish a relationship with the therapist. It's really hard, especially since we're not used to trusting anyone or having relationships on more than the surface level. At least I'm not, and I'm guessing that you would also relate. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, ok? It's also by doing the things that are most challenging for us that we have the most potential to learn, grow, and heal. So that relationship is even more important for those of us who struggle with it.

I want to mention dissociating, because I do that a lot too. It's not always a bad thing to dissociate. It has helped you to cope and to survive, and not to be overwhelmed. It's just that it gets too easy and too automatic to dissociate, and if we feel threatened by someone trying to get closer to us, and we go away and don't let them reach us, then it's hard to learn that what we perceived as a threat isn't really a threat and is actually what we need. I wouldn't tell you not to dissociate, but just try to hang on a little longer and stay with it long enough to give it a try, or more of a try than you have before. I'm sure that you have been trying, or you wouldn't be this frustrated.

You're not just a number. And it's not always your fault when it seems like your T forgets something. That seems contradictory, because maybe it seems like they wouldn't forget if they really cared. But do you always remember everything when you care about someone? We all make mistakes. What happens when you remind her?

You are right, I'm going to suggest talking about this with your T. It's easier sometimes to write the things that are important to us to a bunch of strangers or people who are separated from us by distance and the internet, when those are the very things that need to be discussed openly with the person involved. You are trying not to call her, but what if you do? Has she told you what her policy is on phone calls? It is okay to need help. Sometimes it would be easier just not to know anything that's going on, but what about all the things you would miss out on? There are good things in life too.

TC,
Rap