The hardest part about my life with mental illness has been since I lost my nana and saw her after she passed away 7 years ago. Ever since then it's like something clicked, and whenever I have these cycles of anxiety/depression, it is linked to ruminating thoughts about my mortality and how everyone I love will die and be lifeless like my nana.

I am 33 years old, married with 2 children. I have a low-stress job. I have friends and family.

The thoughts are so obsessive, I will walk past an old person in a supermarket and think they are going to die soon. I picture myself in a nursing home.

I also have random thoughts about generations of people. If I am with my mum and my daughter, sometimes I will think about how long my mum has left to live (she's not even 60), how long I will have left and how long my kids will.

I know on an intellectual level that humans can't live forever, but the thought of not being with the ones I love is terrifying. It's like my emotional state can't accept it.

I also wonder if any of it has to do with the fact that I lost my nana 7 years ago and in that time I also lost my childhood friend to cancer. I had 2 cancer scares of my own, and I had an episode of anaesthesia awareness (where you are awake on the operating table but you can't tell the medical team). I also had a car crash and was almost killed.

Is this OCD? PTSD? How can I get help?

I find so many things are triggering for me, and it's hard for me to parent my children properly living in fear.

Thank you.