22 yrs married. 3 children. Youngest just turned 7yo. I'm 47yo.
We've drifted apart & don't really talk to ea other anymore unless it's about his work, the family schedule or the kids. We get by day to day.
I feel dead inside.

I stay for my kids bec I worry about what a divorce would do to them. There's a very good chance it would get pretty ugly. Do I really wanto put them thru all that hurt & anguish just for myself....

I also feel like a huge coward. I'm financially dependent on my husband. I've never held a full time job or lived on my own. The thought of doing any of this terrifies me! So I stay....then I get angry & resentful....then I feel guilty...& shame...then scared. Really scared that I'm making a huge mistake bec I can't survive alone. I will fail & my kids will see me fail. This endless loop plays in my head & I end up going in circles & wasting my life.

We've done marriage counseling etc. I've tried & I just wanto walk away...quietly. But I know that won't happen.

My old self says, well you're buggered here. Dam if you do & dam it you don't. So go off yourself.
I can't listen to that old self bec once again I'd feel guilty about my kids. Omg then I resent my kids! This can't be right!

Then I have this weird part of me that wakes up in the morning & thinks...ok something totally different & life altering is going to happen today that will change the course of your life!
Yeah that's not happening.

Many will say....we'll make it happen! Do it myself! Yes I agree & you know what? I'm lazy! And this would cause heartache & pain & none of that sounds very appealing!

So I float....aimlessly...& just do what I need to make my family run.
I'm lost.