Sister,
I hate the fact that you were treated so badly when you were young. You are such a wonderful person! You're not an outcast here! You are well-respected, a leader, compassionate, loveable and so much more. I enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your advice. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling whole as I feel the same. I often wonder what it will be like to feel whole, what life will be like. I'm also afraid that I will alienate my T, that he will leave, but somewhere/somehow think that he won't. I'm starting to be able to understand that my strong emotions aren't always in response to the here and now, and it sounds like you know this, too.
Until we are able to feel whole, while we still feel like we are on the outside looking in, at least we and others like us at PC can stand outside together. I'll bring some blankets and hot chocolate. And for now, we'll let the ones on the inside look out at us
Take care!