Ok that last post really hit me.
I grew up w/ parents that argued a lot. So I learned that to get your point across you had to argue & raise your voice.
When I married my husband told me he never saw his parents argue. So I don't think he learned how to handle a disagreement.
Few yrs into our marriage when we'd disagree he'd tell me to stop yelling or use a certain tone with him bec he wouldn't tolerate it & basically it wasn't the way people discussed things. But he never taught me how to get my point across & be heard. He had the power. He made the money, he made the decisions.
Then MH issues & he really had to stand in for me bec I couldn't.
So I gave up.
I learned to rely on him.
Now I guess I resent that. I'd like to have a voice & when I try to use it he shuts me down. I'm not respected. His decision is final & im seen as weak. Especially bec he is the bread winner.

So how do my kids see me. I guess if they'd really look (when their older) they will see me as weak & submissive.
I hated seeing that in my own mom.
I do try to guide my kids to be strong & confident....but I guess my actions don't show that. I don't feel like an equal in this marriage & I really don't wanto stay in it.
So I feel everything now hinges on my ability to go out into a work force that is foreign to me & get a job. Not just any job, but a great job that has benefits & makes me totally independent so I can move out on my own. I won't expect any help from anyone.
Now that's a great plan, but to me that hurdle is so unbelievably high & out of reach that it makes me quit before I try.
I'm worried I'll fail. I've never done full time employment before or be self supportive. Then I worry about my MH issues. What if I have an episode? What will I do?

So I get scared & then I hear in my head "hey you have a nice comfy life right where you are. Stay! Be a mom & a wife bec they need you & it's what everyone expects. You can be happy here if you just stop thinking about 'what if'. Stay."

So I go in circles. Wait for some earth shattering change that won't really come or the unexpected death of my husband which is horrible thinking or my own unexpected death. Or I win the lottery....that I don't play.