Hi,
I hear you. It is difficult to be there, and I wish you could get your own place as soon as possible. Independent living is a human need and right. I am faithful you will.
On the other hand, I would like you to accept me as I am at the present moment if I were your friend. I would like to be just embraced without reservations in your heart.
During the time I lived in your country (more than a decade) I always struggled to reconcile the new ideas (to me) about that every one makes one self and my profound convictions about the important roles of circumstances and environment to determine one's choices and behaviors. Sumarely, I found that in your country people were too hard on each other and with themselves sometimes. This is maybe because I was born in a place where summary executions and torture of disidentes including some cousins of mine by the government happened on a daily basis. We did what we could to survive and I could learn about the fragility of All human beings at an early age. People have different capabilities to cope with life, regardless if you have to face illegal detentions or having a child with a disability. We don't know unless we experience it, and this is valid everywhere every time.
In particular, often children with ADHD display defiant and oppositional behavior. Parenting them is not easy at all and professionals that really know how to orient parents are not abundant. I am not justifying your friend, her husband or her child. I would be absolutely fed up if I were in your place. I think you did the right thing by venting here. I just would like you to forgive her in your heart because I think she loves you despite she has been a disapppointment lastly.
Sorry for my English.
Best wishes