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Old Mar 22, 2017, 06:52 PM
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seesaw seesaw is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2014
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Posts: 8,406
Quote:
Originally Posted by mc2ed View Post
Travelinglady.....your words did help me.....I was not going to come back here....I have been contemplating....why was I so upset....there were surface reasonings....yes...but it struck too hard for those reasons.....what ...I kept asking what was the hurt that made me splash anger.....your words....held reason.....Thank you......When I wrote ...asking where was safe....the visions running through my mind...sexual assault....sexual harassment....my refusal of acceptance...when it was shoved aside...not addressed....when it was then paraded before me dressed up in words......so twisted beyond what was done....the utter vileness treated as a harmless prank....told boys will be boys...I just needed to relax....RELAX.....No I didn't relax....i responded....and in that act of opening my mouth.....suddenly I was attacked in a new way...a banding together to protect the men.....i became the liar.....monitored and hounded.....shoveled deep...in good old boy's jolly....no justice......nothing just....I stood....I stood up....I opened my mouth...and they buried me....they ripped my heart of belief.....I wrote those words...trying to dig my way out.....to speak again.....to come out of silence......to breathe in my own mind......even when it shouted.... stay...... silent... Oh the quivering within...that I would speak out again.....how many times will you be put down...……those moments of trying in my own way…to rise out of it…or address it…...I am put in the 'creative corner'….?!!?.....by your own definition…”A place for poetry, stories, songs, and anything else inspired by your own creativity.”…….I beyond all others would know if I was writing poetry or expressing creativity….if I did not belong where I started…..I most assuredly should not have ended up there…...I feel ill over it….it is as if again my experience is twisted…….marginalized….….they only moved your post…..all the reasoning’s…..that what is the big deal….voice…..told that is the way it goes…..I reflected….why did it give me such reaction…..it is where you moved it…....inspired by my creativity…?!?......….it feels like pay for view....assault for entertainment.....yeah....that is what I was going for...the creativity of it....bury it in the corner....again.....compound the fracture....for it has pierced....and the hits are hard....even if it is in my own mind…….it is still my truth…..defined by only me…..and it is NOT....poetry, stories, songs, or anything what so ever to do with me expressing creativity…..I feel ill....I don't even know where to post this....it was Travelinglady's words that reached me...so I will respond here.....I have 4 hours to change my mind....
I'm also going to say, and, please I mean no offense to this, that it's a bit hard to understand your post because of the grammatical style you are using, with the ongoing fragmented thoughts and long paragraphs. It does read like a "creative post" rather than like a question or comment about mental health support. Even your current post above, reads more like an exercise in trying to find expression rather than to communicate with others on the forum. So, if I were moderating (and I'm not a moderator, so this is a hypothetical), and I did read the other post you referred to, I may have seen it as being creative and expressive rather than searching for support or posing a question to the community. So I do not think they meant offense in moving your post, and they certainly did not mean to invalidate your experience. It sounds like you have been through a horrific ordeal, and your pain is genuine and authentic. No one here doubts that what has happened to you really happened and that your trauma is real.

I think you could gain a lot from being here. It takes us all a bit to learn how to use the forums and get those most out of our time on PC.

I hope you will stay. Intended or not, there is poetry in your words.

Seesaw
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What if I fall? Oh, my dear, but what if you fly?

Primary Dx: C-PTSD and Severe Chronic Treatment Resistant Major Depressive Disorder
Secondary Dx: Generalized Anxiety Disorder with mild Agoraphobia.

Meds I've tried: Prozac, Zoloft, Celexa, Effexor, Remeron, Elavil, Wellbutrin, Risperidone, Abilify, Prazosin, Paxil, Trazadone, Tramadol, Topomax, Xanax, Propranolol, Valium, Visteril, Vraylar, Selinor, Clonopin, Ambien

Treatments I've done: CBT, DBT, Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS), Talk therapy, psychotherapy, exercise, diet, sleeping more, sleeping less...
Thanks for this!
lizardlady