Thanks to everyone that responded. Yes it did feel good to put some of it down in words.
Yes Cy I think I have been in denial. Not of everything that I've gone through but for the thought that I had come to accept it all as part of me. I thought I had made peace with it. Tamed the beast so to speak. But lately it seems that I am more and more dissatisfied with the way it's all turned out. The quiet hush of all the bad things that need to be aired. I know it has to come out and it going to cause a big family "thing" if you know what I mean.

And yes Perna, I am awaiting a referral to a new therapist as we speak. I saw my primary doc last week. Now it's all about waiting for the insurance to give authorization for my visits. I feel I am ready this time come hell or high water I need to get this crap off of my chest and find a way to heal it once and for all. At least I've found this place for now and the words of encouragemet have been unbelivable. Thank you all and much love.