Just having a cr@p day
I feel like i just don't know what I'm doing with anything, like i cant change all the things i hate about my life, overwhelmed.
I got angry with my husband this morning (legitimately, not an overreaction) but his reaction always ends up with me feeling totally rubbish, like most of my problems are my 'fault' - not like I'm at fault, but that i clearly can't see that lots of it is because of me. Then i don't know if I'm being gaslighted, because it always ends with him seeming to have little to no responsibility for anything.

So I've been crying most of the morning while scraping grout off tiles. I stop, but if i think of anything, or replay bits of the argument i just start crying again. He asks me what would make me happy. The usual ending to an argument. And i always give the same reply so he is just not hearing me, ever.
Nothing makes me happy. I am permanently unhappy. I always think ”if i do this/change that then maybe I'll be happy" so i do things, change things, over and over for years. And I'm still so sad.

I am so sick of being me. I hate me. I'm a good person. I have good things in my life, but I'm struggling, tired, unhappy, feel like I'm on repeat. I started these meds, which got increased because of this endless low, but at the higher dose i felt worse. At the lower dose my mood wobbles up and down - except it's not 'up', and i still have no emotion except anger, sadness, anxiety.

Then I'm thinking things like if i killed myself it couldn't be by the way i planned, it would have to look like an accident because i would never want my kids to know i did it to myself. And considering the way to manage that, with the practicalities and all.