My father moved with another woman when I was not even 2. That's not the biggest problem, I can understand marriages not working out, falling in love with someone else, etc. Problem was he wasn't around much til I was 7, his new relationship ended and mom convinced him to just move in a bigger apartment together(not in a getting back together situation but just to live together so he'd be around more).

Well, he wasn't around much more after that either, being a busy businessman. Then, when I was 14, he got cancer and died within 5 months, the day after Christmas.

Anyway, I think that even though his initial absence from my life had already planted the seeds of abandonment issues and everything that may come with not having a sufficiently present father in one's life, the affect I am most painfully aware of is the great fear of such illness, of dying like that.

It's like a sort of specialized hypochondria that stresses me all the time and more so since my life isn't going well and I fear dying young without experiencing love. Having this extra fear of terminal illness makes that fear of dying young seem somehow more possible.

Other than that, I'm sure it's affected me in many different ways and that a lot of my anxieties and fears are in part fueled by my father. What's worse is that since he died, 15 years ago, I haven't had any close relationship with a man at all since apparently men can't see anything attractive in a non-conforming woman like me.

It's probably affected my relationship with my mom as well, through the way her own experience with my father affected her.