Without trying to be patronising, clearly you're having a rough time in the grey matter.. Nothing I can say here will make it better, and I very much doubt anything I say will take any of the pain, memories and hate away from you.

It is true that there is no external thing that will suddenly fix us, to suddenly make it all better, to make us happy to see the sun rise for another day. I can't provide a word for it, but the feeling that makes your mouth run dry, your stomach tighten into a knot, your body shuts down, the panic rises exponentially in an unstoppable wave that consumes your entire being and takes over.
There are however, and maybe impossible to see, ways of owning your fear, your memories. I make an important distinction between owning, and eradicating.

Now, I don't know what is going through your head, I cannot imagine and do not pretend to do so. You are however, not alone.

Relief in the conventional sense may not be something you feel like you can achieve, and I would be mad to assume otherwise. You know yourself better then any of us on here.
I do however think that It is something you can aim for, depending on how you turn your perspective towards it. Aiming for "relief" in the same way that you get "relief" from a physical symptom is simply not going to work, and and such in the same tone, don't aim for a completely "painless" mind, as the chances are, it'll take a very long time to get there.

Maybe try aiming for control, rather than relief first ? When you can control, you can steer towards relief.

It would appear from what you've written, there are some very specific and ingrained memories or thoughts that have come back. Is it anything you want to expand on at all ?

We are here, we care.