Most of the time I trick myself into thinking I am not so bad. If I can get through the day without any major hiccup what does it matter if my thoughts are drawn to suicide more and more frequently? It's just ideation, nothing more.

But I know that isn't really true. I research it a lot. Too much really. The last few weeks I have been purchasing things that I think will make sure I am successful. Who knows though, really.

Even with that I tell myself I'm coping.

It's when everyone around me starts to notice that I see it's more of a problem. I work in retail, and I have actually lost count of the times customers have told me to cheer up this week. A guy even went out of his way to joke around with me today because it looked like I needed it.

I know I'm not really ok, but I can always argue with myself that I'm just fine and dandy.

I probably won't truly accept it until it is too late, as always.

Not sure what the point is to me posting this, but there ya go...