The people I miss pop up in some of these thoughts.....some who are now deceased, like my best friend. Other times, they are flashes of when I was deeply hurt or angry at certain people, and those moments bring me right back. Flashes of when I lost control out of anger do come up. I know pills can't resolve some of these things....but they just pop up, and I kind of dissociate during these times.

During mixed manias, intrusive thoughts come up that make me paranoid where I think I am being investigated. Luckily, I haven't had those thoughts in a while....I think the AP is preventing that.

I am also reminded of how my life took a turn for the worse and tired of how Bipolar ruined things for me and anger at people who have betrayed me. These are reminders that I wish I can go back to a time where maybe I was hypo, but felt alive. I have constant reminders pop up of a time where at least I had certain people and things in my life that are now gone. It really hurts. I did not think life would lead me to a place where I feel so scared, untrusting, and that I do not know what direction I am going in.....at all.