Just woke up an hour ago and I already wish I could fall back asleep. Sure, sleep is dangerous because of the nightmares/memories, but at least I'm not conscious in a world that doesn't make sense.

I feel like I need to disappear. When I say that I can't do this anymore, I don't know how well others understand the desperation of what I'm trying to convey. Maybe they do, after all, I'm rarely left alone anymore due to this feeling and the "state" I'm in. That's what pisses me off. You know, I had more independence when I was a cancer patient than I do in my current psychiatric condition. Like, what the hell? I feel like a child. I feel like a child who wants so much to just sleep and never wake up again. I have access to do it. I have a plan utilize the access. I'm beginning to have the drive to actually follow through.

For that, I must be watched, always. I must endure looks of pity, fear and disappointment. The pity is degrading, I'm not some injured puppy. The fear is insulting, I'm not going to attack you with an ax and say 'Here's Johnny'. And the disappointment is actually something I've dealt with my whole life; why stop now?

I'm beginning to feel resentful of everyone. Every person near me. They should've let me die two years ago. Maybe then I wouldn't be their burden.