I just wanted to add something important. From what I have learned about you, I see someone who wanted to fix something but in taking on that task you did not have a lot invested in yourself. That tends to be something I have noticed about a lot of the individuals that come to this forum and share their challenge looking for support.

One of the challenges, that I struggle with myself, is learning how to finally turn efforts into "self". I think this is a big part of the "I am extremely angry, mad at myself". I think this has a lot to do with growing up with parents that were self absorbed and failed to nurture their child/children as adults. This contributes a lot to how that child begins to become more focused on "fixing" outside of themselves, and often that includes taking on some kind of role of "parenting the parent".

One of the things I noticed about your particular challenge is "did he not love "me" enough?",and "how could he do this to me?". This is a very deep emotional challenge and I struggle with this challenge myself, I have noticed that a lot of the others that interact here also struggle with this challenge even though the history varies. Well, the reality is how that individual/parent never achieved that level of maturity. If you really look back, that was always in the picture in your history. Also, a lot of parents get married very young where they have not really grown into adults. Add into that the fact that the role of healthy parenting was something "lacking" in a lot of generations. This is most definitely a contributing factor to many of the tragedies you addressed in your history.

If you sit and read so many different challenges expressed on this site, the common thread is "lack of healthy nurturing". So many describe "negative/critical" voices in their heads, I have them myself tbh, well, that is an indication of how so many different individuals received "negative" messages in their childhoods.