Hi all,
I just joined today, but I have been browsing this forum for months. I deal with Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality Disorder, and GAD. I'm in school for psychology right now, my last semester being next Fall, I plan to go to grad school for Mental Health Counseling and become a Mental Health Counselor. I currently live in the dorms, as I have yet to be independent. I have a lot of issues with responsibility with money, and working due to my disorders.

Right now, I'm going through a mixed episode. Each day is different, sometimes from one hour to the next I don't know what's going to happen with my mood. It's very frustrating. Lately I met a man, who I spent all last weekend with, but I messed it up. Friday night went great, but then I only slept about 3 hours, and Saturday was miserable. I was in a negative mood and kept putting myself down. I know this is not attractive, and I wish I wouldn't have been that way, but it was because of the lack of sleep I got that drastically switched my mood. He knows I'm bipolar, but I'm scared I pushed him away. I have an issue with attachment, and I really like him, but because of my mood, and him constantly reassuring me that he wanted to be here and if he didn't he wouldn't, but I started crying that night for no real reason and I got super anxious and it was just a bad night. He didn't cuddle me that night or barely say anything and then left right away the next morning. It's been an iffy thing since then. We've texted everyday, but only minimal and he's pretty short with his responses. It's bothering me but I'm thinking too much. I'm trying to be optimistic and pretend that I don't care, but it's hard.

I haven't seen my therapist in over a month (due to her having to cancel our appointments because she has vacation or the weather, and also because I've called in a couple times because my depression was so bad I didn't want to leave my dorm) I also rescheduled my last two appointments I had with my psychiatrist, which was bad. I don't know why I'm having problems following through with things. I know it's wrong and I need to go but I just am having a lot of trouble.

I went through a pretty bad depressed episode not this last week but the week before. I was sick and had a really bad bladder infection, that lasted over a week. Thankfully it's cleared up now. Because I was depressed and sick, I missed some classes. My teachers understand but I'm having trouble getting the motivation to do my schoolwork and study like I need to. I have a test on Tuesday and I have to study for it this weekend. I also have to get started on a final project for the same class that's due April 11. It's stressing me out. I'm trying to live one day at a time but it's hard not worrying about the future. I know worrying doesn't help anything but it causes me so much anxiety. I've also had trouble with racing thoughts lately too. I haven't had any mania, but I literally flow so rapidly through moods every week that it's nuts. My friends try to understand but I can be difficult sometimes, so I don't have many friends. I'm on Lamictal right now for mood stabilization, but it's obviously not working. I see my pdoc on Tuesday morning, so I'm hoping we can make some med changes. I'm also on Prozac, levothyroxine(for my thyroid), hydroxyzine, trazodone, and Lunesta for sleep.

I just feel stuck right now. Don't really know what to do. I'm trying to stay positive but it really takes an effort to not sit in front of the tv lost in my thoughts and get all bummed and crawl into bed. I've been sleeping a lot due to my mood and haven't been feeling the greatest. I also have been having an issue with showering regularly--I mean I don't get disgustingly gross or smelly but it's just an energy thing. Even walking to class has been difficult but I'm proud I made it to all my classes this week.

I'm hoping for a good weekend, but I'm afraid I'll get lonely, depressed and ruin my weekend for myself--also I'm *waiting* for a text from Chris saying maybe we can hang, I mentioned it last night and he said "we'll see what happens lol" so idk how to take that. I want to try again with him and show him I'm not a negative Nelly all the time and I've just been going thru some stuff. I'm mixed right now basically. Anyone have any advice on how to get out of my own head and be motivated to get things done?

This morning has went well, I got my laundry in (in the dryer now), cleaned the litterbox, took out the trash, and now I just want to shower and work on homework. I need to eat too, but going out and walking to the cafeteria seems like a lot of work right now. I'm trying not to get bummed sitting in front of the tv right now. I just need a positive push to get going. Thanks for listening guys, sorry it's so long, but I would like to hear others' opinions from people to understand what I'm going through.

Thanks again for taking the time to read,
Brittany