I'm going to have to say goodbye to a T I have felt so much closeness and comfort with, but who is no longer giving me some fundamentals I need.

Recap: we had a big rupture at the end of last year that I thought was resolved, around him being consistent and him doing some specific things that really scare me, and that he knew scared me. It was like he just forgot. We talked it through really constructively, and came to a place of mutual understanding. One of the things that was hardest for me, was that he felt very disconnected from me emotionally. He said that wasn't the case, though he did acknowledge changing the way we were doing therapy to a more practical, rather than emotional focus.

Now, it feels like everything has changed, even though he says it hasn't, and he tells me he is still 'standing still' for me. He still feels distant and not connected to me. He ignored an email last month when I shared something with him about the event...on a trauma anniversary date. I wanted to show him how I feel, and this link did that. He didn't acknowledge it at the time, didn't mention it next session.

A month has gone by. A few days ago I got up the courage to email to tell him I was struggling to come back because of still feeling so disconnected and conflicted. In the past (I have been seeing him for 18 months or so) he would respond to my (very few) emails immediately or same day. Now, I don't hear from him for days and days and days. If I hear from him at all. It's not that I'm emailing too much, and it's not that he wasn't OK with the ones I did send I the past. We talked about those openly. He's changed. It's changed.

One of the most fundamental things I need to be able to even do therapy, is consistency. He was great for about a year, but then it was like he forgot that, and seemed to be all over the place in demeanour, with suggestions, and therapeutic approach.

I feel very, very, very sad - I am losing what was the only place in my life I truly felt safe, and the only person in my life I felt truly connected to. But I can't deal with the comings and goings, and I don't understand why he has changed towards me. Even though he says he hasn't - he says I am 'experiencing' him differently. I have had a very bad T experience in the past, and I know I shouldn't take this to that place, but I feel like I have broken another T.

At the very least, I feel like I accidentally blew up something that meant so much to me, and I still don't know (despite asking and asking and asking him - I need to KNOW so I can FIX whatever I am doing) what I have done wrong.

I've changed my email settings to send any response from him straight to junk: I am scared if he does email back and offer an appt time (which I asked for) I will be tempted to go back there. And I don't think it's in my best interests.

But there's so much sadness. And so much loss. And it really, really, really hurts.