I guess I'll have to start from about 2 years ago when I moved to Washington state. My boyfriend's best friend had committed suicide and completely upheaved everyone's lives, and (I'll change the name for the sake of privacy) Derek had a really hard time with it.
He struggled with finding a job and handling his depression after John passed away, and I had to struggle to make sure that we had a place to live and rent was paid. It was a few months before he finally found steady work, and I thought things would return to normal. He got me a job where he worked and we both loved it.
Then I met our coworker Louis. I've had a couple of careless crushes in the time that Derek and I were together, but Louis was different. I really liked him, and it forced a wedge between Derek and I that I kept to myself for months. Last September Derek asked if I liked anyone else, almost joking, and I couldn't bring myself to lie to him about it.
Needless to say, it was very hard for him to hear, and he took off to California for a few months to figure his stuff out. I decided that our relationship (coming up on six years) had come to an end, even when he returned.
I moved out, but the living situation ended up not working out well, and Derek was kind enough to let me move back into his house until I figured out a more solid living situation. I could tell he still loves me, and at times he expressed his insecurities of seeing me date other people, and I assured him that no such thing would happen.
But then something sort of happened with Louis, and we ended up falling asleep in my room together after a party. That was all that happened, but Derek opened my bedroom door and saw us together, and understandingly lost his ****. He told me I needed to find a place to live.
Louis was overly supportive, and offered that I could stay at his place for a while. It got weird after about a week though, and I couldn't help but feel like I overstayed and got too comfortable.
I'm in a hotel now, trying desperately to find somewhere to live, and I feel very alone and isolated in this situation. I don't know how I haven't broken down and started crying yet. I'm ****ing homeless, and I feel like I impose on everyone that I've tried to live with in the past 8 months. I don't know where to turn, and some suicidal thoughts have entered my mind.
I wouldn't dare resort to it or put anyone through that kind of pain and grief, but the thoughts are still there and I really hate feeling this low. I know it was an essay, but if you took the time to read through it I really appreciate it. I can only hope that the most beautiful spring comes after the harshest winter of my life.