You are definitely in a very strong episode of some sort. It must be awful. Remember your treatment team are there to help you and have heard everything before so they won't be upset by anything you have to say. What is important is getting the best treatment available to you, in your circumstances. Being psychotic and manic really throw our brains out and can some time to stabilise afterwards. Keep fighting Flutterby. You can make it through and hopefully find some peace.