There's no hope for me.

The last time I sought out help, I was caught in the ego issues of some smug young "professional" who gave me an ultimatum: invol at a state institution or be seen at a crisis center he was financially involved with. I went with the crisis center. When I explained to the crisis counselor that I was coerced to be there, they apologized and admitted that I should have never been in that position.

This all began when I admitted aloud that I am living in existential hell. I have no reason to live. I can't be satisfied with what little I have. No medication has ever worked. All I have ever asked for out of life was to love and be loved, and this has been denied me at every turn. I don't want to live (I am not actively suicidal, however.) I can't admit this to anyone because that threat of involuntary institutionalization hovers over my head; I cannot be truthful about my pain because they'll lock me away and throw out the key.

I don't know why I felt like saying anything, here of all places. Maybe I just need to get this out of me before it eats me up. Hell, I think it is eating me up; my stomach has been hurting for weeks now, badly. My doctors won't listen, and I don't want to tell them because they would just throw useless pills at me. I need help, but help isn't there. It's not help, it's hell.

Anyway, I'm sorry for saying anything. I'm completely useless.