IMHO, your wife has not gotten over this. This happened just before you left for 9 months so first she had her "trust" in you broken/damaged and then she had to live alone without you for 9 months and had to take care of the children and she experienced being "alone".

A woman feels especially vulnerable when she has a child/children. So, because she caught you interacting with another woman, I am willing to bet she feels that the "only" reason you stopped is because she caught you. So, in her mind if she had not caught you, you would have continued your "cheating" behind her back.

Unfortunately, you can never change what happened, and you can never change the way it made her feel. I am willing to bet my last dollar that your wife is struggling with how "she" herself can fix how much she was hurt. I also think part of her friendship with this other man is one of her ways of trying to learn "why do men do this" and "is this so bad that I should never trust him again and instead prevent myself from being further hurt and just end my relationship with him?".

I think your wife got so frightened that she is making sure she can fend for herself and is making it a point to become an RN so that she can earn enough to support herself.

I also think that when she talked about living apart and starting all over with dating again is "telling" in that what she is trying to do in that effort is see if she can find a way to start over and see if she can develop "trust" in you again.

Honestly, a lot of the things you have shared in her behaviors and things she has said are about the "hurt" she STILL feels and is reminded of in your presence. When a woman gives her love and trust and is cheated on, one of the challenges that creates is a fear to love and trust again. Anger, avoidance, resentment, flight towards others are all an effort to distance from "hurt". Including her new priority of finishing her education so she has the security of a degree. She has realized how important it is for her to have her "own" sense of security and ability to be self sufficient. There is nothing wrong with that either.

You have to accept that "you" are the one that changed the dynamic of your relationship with her. Actions have consequences, and that is what you are learning about in this challenge. Also, in that 9 months you were "away", I am willing to bet she often wondered if you were continuing to interact with that other woman. I "know" what that feels like myself and IT'S HORRIBLE. I think it's important that your wife not end up being the one who is demonized. She is still very "hurt". Comments of "she doesn't love you" and go find someone who will love you? Well, she is hurt and your actions caused that hurt to happen. I don't know how this turns into her being the bad guy. You also have to remember she is not in "your head", all she has to go by is your actions and how your actions not only hurt her but created her to feel she cannot "trust" you.

Funny how "you" are saying this about "her" when everything she is doing and saying to you is saying the very same thing. "I see him and all those emotions come back".

I am willing to bet she has said this from the moment she caught you cheating on her.

How nonchalant were you while you were texting that other woman "before" you got caught? How long would you have continued doing that had you not got caught?

What about what you did on the phone, were you "caring" about her at the time you were sneaking behind her back? She is showing you how it HURTS. Do you understand that when someone is hurt, and badly, they want revenge, what they want is the other person to know what it means to "feel" that hurt. It's called "being human".