hello everyone,

i'm new to this forum. i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 since 19 years old ,i am 25 years old and had one child.i want to ask does flashbacks have any associated with bipolar...? i have intrusive thoughts too, and wanted to kill ppl that hurts me during my childhood and teenagers time, and even imagine them.i also fantasize about my other "normal" life. few couple past days i told my husband that i wanted to kill myself ,i've never feel that way where i'm crying and hugged myself while searching for something that can kill me, i really want to do it until i snap myself and brought me to sleep. Frankly i have suicidal thoughts but i never behave this way,i just think of it and then it dissapear but this time it was different. furthermore, i'm having flashbacks of my abusive parents and terrible life ,it's like those screaming and yelling is right next to me then i tell those yelling to stop or i will scream back, mostly i'll burst in tears. for these few days i experienced this kind of smell that remind me of my past life and it's really bothering me ,sometimes those childhood memories that i don't remember suddenly just come across my mind too. i am really tired i didn't get enough sleep because of these matter. i acting so violent all i want to do now is to kill myself or ppl ,i always screaming and slamming doors hardly many times to release my anger.. I'm not on medication ,i can't take any meds because i will suffer heavy chest pain and suffocated hence makes me afraid to take them anymore. i just don't know what to do with my life.