Thanks all for your inputs and for sharing your experiences. I agree with you starrysky. I feel this principle at work when I start washing dishes, for example. I detest doing it before I do it, but once I start doing it, it gets easier. I think the reason for that is because I see the positive results of my doing. However, I haven't felt the same with personal change. The more I try, the more difficult and painful it gets for me (may be for others it is different, I don't know). I understand why you are saying what you said, and you are right, I posted this because I am scared and afraid of change, and that's why I don't implement most suggestions and my own knowledge. I know what I have to do, but I cannot do it. Last night when I posted this thread I felt some pain and weakness in my knees, now I have the same feeling. The idea of change and trying scares me and makes anxiety to kick off in me.

Do I know what I want? I know for sure that the life I am living is painful and that I am a failure in life in all of its aspects. I know that I want to get out from this. I have no physical or intellectual constraints to explore my opportunities, but the fear inside me is the main reason why I am avoiding change and trying and keep trying. I give up very quickly. Any setback makes me isolate myself. I know I need to keep trying, but my emotional reactions to failure is so powerful to overcome and process very quickly, and my experiences with change weren't nice.

So, what would happen is that I feel deeply desperate, then I try to change out of desperation, but then I face inevitable setbacks, which throw me back to isolation, until I feel deep desperation again. It is a loop.

I understand that I keep talking the same things over and over, but the fear of trying is crippling. I know this fear is not realistic in the most part, but I don't know how to overcome it. I mean I know I need to test it (I read books on social anxiety and how to overcome it), but I couldn't force myself to try them. I have always feared trying things as far as I can remember. That's why I haven't progressed in my life or tried things. Sometimes I did force myself despite my fear to do certain things, like talking to people, but my anxiety would be too high and obvious to feel comfortable and to hold a conversation, which makes me feel worse than before trying.

One last thing, which is why I keep comparing myself with others. Comparing myself with others gives me an idea where I stand relative to others. When I compare myself with my peers from school, I know I am behind in life (they have stable jobs, families, investments, cars, houses, do trips, .. etc, while I have nothing but my education certificates). When I compare myself with people here, I know my fear of change and trying things isn't common and that I am lacking/missing something. They make me feel bad about myself, but this is because I know I am not where I am supposed to be, and what I have to be doing.

I don't know if these things make sense. Sometimes they don't to me.