T, I am feeling ever so confused this morning. I am fighting the feelings... fighting them tooth and nail because I don't want to be so painfully attached to you ever again but I can feel it wanting to creep back in. Damn it all to hell!! Why can't I just work through this crap once and for ****ing all?? I see what's happening clear as day though. I do. You were speaking from that "channeling my mother" place on Friday, and I became 15 in my mind again, 15 after grandma died and I can't run to her anymore to get away from my mother. When you 'become' my mother it is such a total mind-****, t, because I also 'use' you as my grandmother, **** transference, **** it all, because you can't "be" both of them simultaneously. I am so stupid, t. Maybe you knew this was going to happen and that's why you wanted me to come Wednesday. After I made such a big stink about not coming back so soon, I can't even let myself call and ask. Goddess, I hate this!! I want this crap done and over with!! This is so hard!!!! I hate you and I love you and I never want to see you again and I want to camp out in your office for the next week and have you all the time! Gah!!! Picture me with my head hanging down, sheepishly peeking at you through my hair, barely whispering "Please, I want to come on Wednesday, you were right."

Damn it.