Thanks all for the replies. You made valid points. Just to be clear I wasn't complaining as some of you thought, I was simply wondering why I am doing this, because it doesn't seem what everyone else is doing. I stated it very clearly that I know what to do, but I cannot do it. I take the complete responsibility for being alone and miserable, and I am not asking anyone to change for me. I asked if it is because I am lazy, stubborn, ... etc, and these are questions and shortcomings about me not others.

I do think because I cannot imagine a better future and outcome and that's why I cannot do it. I see only failures in my attempts, and this sets the fear that either prevents me from trying or sabotages my trying.