The way I see it, you DO want change, and you are trying. Yes, maybe you want it to be painless--who wouldn't? You probably have already changed for the positive in some ways? Either in thoughts, feelings, or actions.

Many people go to denial, addictions, or become abusive, etc. when faced with their issues; and, they might choose to stay in those mind frames forever. Now, here YOU are: researching, digging, confronting truths, admitting your feelings, working to determine what is right, trying new tactics of relating to others on these forums. Give yourself credit for being that kind of composed human being. You tried counseling and didn't like it. Now you've found another way by coming here and working through it with a variety of minds. That is resilience. You are resourceful. You moved abroad, and earned degrees. Therefore, you are brave, adventurous, and withstood academic pressure. You are good at public speaking, even. So many people admire that quality. Your traits and accomplishments are enviable, even if you can't see that right now.

It is even more painful to face down fear and grief when we don't believe in ourselves, or think we don't have "what it takes" to go on, to grow. It's imperative to talk kindly about yourself in this process. When you say you fail at everything, that's a myth. That becomes a shortcut to self-punishment. You already feel badly, you need comfort and encouragement, not insults and hate. Just because what you know and how you feel don't line up right now, doesn't mean they never will. Later, you will look back and say, "I was saying all this before, but now I know what it feels like."

If you are mr stranger, who can't engage, because you know you are you're trying to protect yourself from rejection and more self-loathing...you tackle self-loathing. Its internal. Find out which belief is at the root. My mother always said about herself every single time I saw her, "I'm bad." She would describe her behavior as bad, and yet continue to engage in it. Did she like it or not? What was her point in telling me? I don't know the answer because she was never introspective with me. Yet, I adopted her surface expressions. I was judging myself as "good" or "bad" all the time. Now I see that is naive, and it kept me childlike. That self-discipline method never meshed with my intellectual thoughts; I was living in contrary mindsets and feeling frustrated.

Confidence may be elusive, but the concept is there if you remember it. You MUST develop faith in yourself.