Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Stranger
Thanks all for your inputs and for sharing your experiences. I agree with you starrysky. I feel this principle at work when I start washing dishes, for example. I detest doing it before I do it, but once I start doing it, it gets easier. I think the reason for that is because I see the positive results of my doing. However, I haven't felt the same with personal change. The more I try, the more difficult and painful it gets for me (may be for others it is different, I don't know). I understand why you are saying what you said, and you are right, I posted this because I am scared and afraid of change, and that's why I don't implement most suggestions and my own knowledge. I know what I have to do, but I cannot do it. Last night when I posted this thread I felt some pain and weakness in my knees, now I have the same feeling. The idea of change and trying scares me and makes anxiety to kick off in me.
Do I know what I want? I know for sure that the life I am living is painful and that I am a failure in life in all of its aspects. I know that I want to get out from this. I have no physical or intellectual constraints to explore my opportunities, but the fear inside me is the main reason why I am avoiding change and trying and keep trying. I give up very quickly. Any setback makes me isolate myself. I know I need to keep trying, but my emotional reactions to failure is so powerful to overcome and process very quickly, and my experiences with change weren't nice.
So, what would happen is that I feel deeply desperate, then I try to change out of desperation, but then I face inevitable setbacks, which throw me back to isolation, until I feel deep desperation again. It is a loop.
I understand that I keep talking the same things over and over, but the fear of trying is crippling. I know this fear is not realistic in the most part, but I don't know how to overcome it. I mean I know I need to test it (I read books on social anxiety and how to overcome it), but I couldn't force myself to try them. I have always feared trying things as far as I can remember. That's why I haven't progressed in my life or tried things. Sometimes I did force myself despite my fear to do certain things, like talking to people, but my anxiety would be too high and obvious to feel comfortable and to hold a conversation, which makes me feel worse than before trying.
One last thing, which is why I keep comparing myself with others. Comparing myself with others gives me an idea where I stand relative to others. When I compare myself with my peers from school, I know I am behind in life (they have stable jobs, families, investments, cars, houses, do trips, .. etc, while I have nothing but my education certificates). When I compare myself with people here, I know my fear of change and trying things isn't common and that I am lacking/missing something. They make me feel bad about myself, but this is because I know I am not where I am supposed to be, and what I have to be doing.
I don't know if these things make sense. Sometimes they don't to me.
|
I really see working on the self, as a balance between actively working on oneself, and rest. We need to rest. We need to relax and have fun. It is not all work. So don't worry about running out of steam, because you will, and then you can rest. Once I heard this saying: "depression lies.". Its so true i think. When i read it on someone's blog, who was dealing with depression, it resonated so much for me, and empowered me so much. It meant that im not a failure, im not a **** up. It means basically, that having depression makes one prone to thinking thoughts and feeling things that, while real, and painful, are also twisted toward the negative. It happens to me everyday. Anywho, I think it might help you to keep the possibility that your depression lies, in the back of your mind. Even if you might not be able to fully believe it. Mr. Stranger, I do think you could really benefit from 1. Therapy; I think you have said you are afraid to go? If that was you or still is you, I hope you will still consider going. Remember, if you don't like your therapist, you are in control and can find another one. 2. Patience; it can take years to get to a place where things are stellar. I'm not there yet lol. But I have moments, and glimpses of stellar things. I was in the hospital in 2006. I consider that ground 0 because it's when I had a breakdown. I was 23. It took me SO long to grow into the person I am today, and while I'm pretty pleased with myself actually, I'm still working on myself. I'm almost 34 now. I've made so many mistakes and flubs and have learned some hard things in hard ways. I am just trying to say, don't lose hope, and be kind to yourself because I know you want things different and can't see them being different. I believe someday, you are going to be able to say, things aren't so bad, and things are good sometimes too! 3. Visualization; you said you have trouble seeing yourself achieving what you want, and seeing things and yourself different than you are now. I'm learning about visualization, and I'm not very good at it, either. But it's basically like daydreaming.
Do you think you have severe social anxiety? I wonder if that's why it doesn't feel better being in social situations? You have said your mind goes blank, and that's a definite sign of anxiety, like when in conversation. Do you beat yourself up after? Like "I didn't do this right, or that right, I did everything wrong socially and. Conversationally". This is also a sign of social anxiety.
I really think starting SMALL, could be a really good tactic for you. There's an overcoming social anxiety program, there's like 20 CDs, and a whole workbook, and the psychologist who created it, says, for people with serious social anxiety, don't even start with trying to be social. Instead, he gives some exercises to work on thought wise. He says it takes persistence and commitment too. If you think you might be interested, or if you think social anxiety is what you could be dealing with partly, I can give you the name of the workbook and CD program.