I don't mean to complain about my life because it actually is pretty good and when I read some of the stories written in here I just thank god that my hypomanias still seem to be pretty light and my depression doesn't make me unable to work.

Anyway, I feel like my life has totally spiralled out of control. Part of this is because I have always been a very controlled person. My depression mainly shows in states of anxiety, I was anorexic for years, hypochondric and so on, so control has always been my way to handle my fears.

About two years ago, after graduating from law school, everything just kind of turned around. I get hypomanias since I was about sixteen, but they were never the happy ones. Now sometimes they are and what strikes me most is that I just let go of all the control. At first it was a good thing, I enjoyed feeling free and going out more. I broke up with my boyfriend of six years who was treating me all but well and it was like a liberation. Then I went to live in Southamerica a year, fell in love with a very sick guy and had a crazy relationship with him. When we wracked that I swore to myself to make things better, to give up on the smoking I had taken up, to never do drugs again (was never addicted, but the kind of party thing), to drink less and so on.

Now I have been back to Germany for about a year and am making my lawyer's title. My education goes well, but I cannot get rid of the feeling of being totally out of control. Or I am going up and sleeping very little and then the parties in Berlin are just so very tempting and each time I swear to myself to not go, stay calm, have a nice movie-evening to myself, but I don't manage. It sounds so stupid, because what is the deal - just stay home. But I don't. And then after a few weeks of working, partying, meeting tons of new people, one day I wake up with the worst hangover ever, crash into depression, swear to do everything well this time, usually get a cold, stay home for a few days and usually by the weekend the game is on again.

I drink too much and I know it. I smoke too much. I don't eat well. Thing is - I just feel so un-attached. My family lives about six hundred kilometers from me, my best friends are spread all over the world, but noone close to me, I am so heart broken by two devastating relationships that I don't open up to anybody, my education is horribly difficult and I feel that nothing matters to me and I forgot what interests me in the world and who I want to be.

Maybe I am really depressed indeed and just don't feel it and cover it by living the life of a 25 year old artsy girl in Berlin. Whatever. I am not the person I want to be anymore. I do too much crazy stuff, too many parties, too much discontrol, and I can't find my way back. I feel so run over by my mood swings and that hypo energy that crawls up my skin, and whenever I get it there is no salvation.

I don't want to blame my behaviour on any illness because I know managing myself better I could do better, I just don't know where to start and how to get back to a good routine and I feel so ALONE above all that partying is mainly a way to relate to this world at all.

Anyone in the same place? Anyone else who kind of lost the path? Any suggestions? Anyone else lonely.

If you read through all this ramble, I thank you a lot!