interesting thoughts and comments posted above.

where to start?! I have depression, probably mostly my whole life. it was my p-doc for that that said I have SPD traits. my childhood, I don't remember at all or much. [that's a giant red flag, I know so jumping right past it] I'm the middle child out of three, and some of my relatives have told me that I mostly played by myself and the other two played together - even that I chose to be by myself when asked to join in. and I was an 'outsider' in school, mostly because of how I looked and dressed.

what I'm saying is mine was maybe a 'learned' thing. I was never emotional, especially in front of others - still am now! I'd cry by myself in my room, never in front of my family or others. still remember at age 13 when my grandmother died, I never cried at her funeral. alone by myself, I did. I always joked that I was the shoulder everyone else could cry on! and that 'lack' of emotional expression which is why I joke with some people that my 'poker' face is unbeatable! (always on and ready to go)

I'm really shy and especially when you first meet me. but there was a time period (like a few years) where I had a bunch of friends, and I did do movie parties or bowling or things like that. I was sooo good at hiding my depression and acting like nothing was wrong that maybe I got a chance to see 'the other side' of things & life. that didn't last long though. I held myself together as long as I could before things really crashed.

I'm sure other things factored into my personality becoming what it is now. the 'second' hardest thing (i'll call it that for now) was probably my family and siblings. so reading about the schizoid personality tendencies made sense for me. it's not that I didn't empathize with my family or understand the emotions & emotional things happening and they were going thru, it's just I didn't know how to show that or was never comfortable doing so.

and yes, [the 'most' hardest thing was] romantic relationships basically never happened for me. and now that I'm over thirty, it's almost like I missed my window, so to speak. I am that 'newbie', who (in the past and even still now) doesn't know what to do or what to say or misses the hints others are putting out there.

someone asked me about that the other day (just a random person online), asked if I wanted a boyfriend or was actively looking for one [something like that]. and it honestly hit me - I had to stop and think about it. I mean, I'm the odd one out at everything, especially when it comes to family and family occasions. I mean, here's my family: d&m (married almost 40 years), one half-sister (married 25 years and has two teenage boys), one older sister (married almost 10 years and has a 2 year-old girl), and my younger sister- who just got married last summer to the guy she'd been dating for nine years!

so I get reminded of that 'loneliness' really really often. but I've been 'alone' most of my life so I'm use to it. and even if I wanted that to change, it's hard to think that's even possible. yes it would be nice to not always be the 'odd one out', to have someone to share things with (maybe even my life, all or part of it), but the reality is my personality is the way it is.

and for me, it doesn't bother me too much to smile at a stranger or make basic small talk with people I don't know. but the whole 'connections' thing is extremely hard, even with my family. and someone mentioned it earlier but asking questions is a good way to go. I have like nothing in common with my family or relatives, which is probably why my half-sister's husband rarely says anything to me! but I started the whole 'questions' thing with my two sisters. if nothing else, if I ask questions about things it makes it seem like I care and am trying to understand or relate.

but that's a tough road as well, in my experience. I mean, I have three sisters and three brother-in-laws and they basically never call me! so it's really hard to try connections & relationships if you're the one always putting the first foot in (so to speak), or the only one putting in the effort. don't they want to connect with me?! but maybe that's where my MIs complicate things...

I don't know if personality traits can change or if you reach a point in life where there isn't much hope for that. what I am saying is I understand what it's like to be like that and to feel those things. and it su***...

->sorry about the lengthy rant