I don't know exactly where I should post this thread, I hope it's the right place and I'm sorry if it's not.

I'm having a really tough time right now because it seems once again, as ALWAYS, I let someone in and they easily abandoned me. There's no way to even put into words how I'm feeling and how much more lonely. I need friends, I really need a friend.

There's this long distance friend I have, who I bonded with like I never did before and we share a lot of things, including anxiety and depression, and I am terrified she's just abandoned me.

She got a new job last week and it's been making her very anxious, which I completely understand of course, and I'm not doing well in my life either but we were there for each other, both with no one else who truly understands these issues, apart from a therapist, and we have shared hobbies and even had fun making scenarios, building stories about our favorite pairing from a tv show, the only one that we find relatable and a good outlet.

We were open with each other, telling each other the unfiltered truth about how we feel, the things we've struggled with and she was the only one there for me this winter, through this aching loneliness and unmet needs and my mom's health problem looming over my life.

She knows that the worst thing anyone can do is ignore and leave me. I have abandonment issues, my father left home before I was 2, he wasn't around much for a long time, just a visitor for an hour a couple of times a week, and then when I was 14 he got sick and died so in a way I had the amazing, unlikely fortune of feeling abandoned twice by the same parent. I of course didn't realize the affect it had at the time, I took it all rather well on the surface but then it left me with this. Later on, throughout my life, I was unfortunate to only make friends who either turned out to be fake and only hanging out with me cause I had a bit more money and I was very giving(this was the case for every buddy I had up to university, minus one maybe) or friends who left all of a sudden or just stopped being interested once they found other people and/or got out of their difficult times(whether just emotionally difficult or otherwise as well).

It seems to me I was always either a money cow to be milked or someone absolutely expendable, good for when the person is also in a rut and/or lacking in friends, no longer good enough the moment they meet anyone else and whatever was making life hard gets better.

It's like I'm good while I'm relatable and they're having a rough time, because hearing about my unhappiness and having someone there who they know won't judge and will listen with all the compassion and empathy possible and not minimize their struggles, makes them feel better and feel understood and maybe they just don't have anyone else to talk to either. Once one of those variables changes, all the professed affection and everything, goes out the window and I fade away in their mind, no longer interesting enough, no longer worthy of their time or any effort.

My friend now, since we both have trouble with similar things, similar anxiety, similar depression, both feeling outside the gender binary, etc , we've made a strong bond(at least on my side) and we discuss a lot of things, very openly and all that. She always insisted she'd be there for me, that she'd never ignore me or leave or get bored with me just because I'm having a tough time at one point or another, or because I'm not an issues free, very low maintenance person. She isn't either and there's true understanding and connection there so there's nothing to worry about.

She knows that abandonment is a huge thing for me, she knows how anxious I get at the slightest sign I might have said something wrong or might be ignored or something, she knows I always have this instinctive fear of being left just like that. She has these fears too, a little less than I do but she still has them.

Now she's got this new job and I've been so terrified, so anxious, so panicked the whole time since she mentioned going to the interview, terrified it would end up pushing her away from me. I mentioned it, I was open about it and she said that it's impossible. It seems I was right, even if not for the reasons I was expecting. I thought the likely scenario was that she'd find some new friends, all closer to her and happier people and she'd also feel better in her life so she'll just fade away, like it has happened many times for me, as recently as last year.
But no, instead she got very anxious about work and I begged her not to bottle it up inside and isolate herself like she'd told me before she does, at least to try not to have that behavior towards me because I understand and want to be there for her like she's been for me and I worry about her every day and all that. She said she won't just disappear on me. Then, days later she sends me a long message that seems to low key be an attempt to justify doing just that, to make herself feel better about it, less guilty. But even there there was no mention of leaving, it was just saying she is a bad friend, that she feels guilty she can't be there for me and all that, like before, because of this anxiety. As if being guilty erases anything.

Today she said something like she can't be around for a while and that she is so so very very guilty and sorry about it and then to make sure she doesn't have to witness my reaction, she blocked me on messenger. She didn't unfriend me or anything but she cut off my right to a reply.

I would totally understand if she had just come on and said hey I am just in a bad place and don't feel up to talking to anyone and so I don't think I'll be around as always for a while and/or let's not talk heavy issues that are emotionally charged. That's perfectly fine and I already told her I would keep any talk about myself to a minimum seeing she's the one more in need right now.

But no, taking this approach was cowardly and unfair because she knows, she understands these things, she understands my anxiety, she understands and knows fully well that it would appear like abandonment, that it will hurt me unnecessarily and severely, that it is highly triggering and traumatizing. She said she'd never do that and I believed her because she showed she cared, she showed she understands. I too understand that anxiety can make one not think straight and do things they might not do otherwise but we talked about that and I don't think it's right or justifiable to do something so unnecessary even if you're not stable in that moment. There was no reason for her to take that approach, absolutely none, especially since we also live in different countries so, as opposed to other people in her life, I'm super easy to avoid when she's avoiding the world. There's consequences to things like this and she knew it will crush me, that in this complete loneliness and everything I'm going through, it's like putting a knife through my heart. She knew. When I said I feel life has no purpose because there's no way I'll ever be able to meet my emotional needs and feel love, she said she loves me and my loss would be something she'd never get over, that I'm not forgettable as I think I am, that I matter. Was that a lie? Did she not think about the chance, albeit small because I fear death, that she'd be driving the final nail in my coffin and cause abandonment that might put me over the edge or just destroy me? When she unblocks me and tells me she's back(if she doesn't just forget about me, like she probably will), did she not think I might not be there anymore? Or if it appeared on her timeline that I was gone? Apparently in her mind just phrasing it better and not cutting me off was a harder thing to do than potentially lose me.

I'm trying to tell myself that since this is the M.O she has when she's in a bad place, it's only a temporary slip of judgement and when she's a little better she'll realize she shouldn't have done that and then try to be a bit more in control of her reactions, more mindful of my needs simply because we're both dealing with similar stuff so she knows you do have to be a bit more mindful of how what you do and say will affect someone like that as opposed to someone who doesn't suffer from those things. But this right now feels like just another abandonment and considering it didn't have to sound that way, all the understanding in the world doesn't make it less traumatizing. IN fact, perhaps making it worse, it's just that I'm not upset with her, I'm just upset with life, with how consciously or not I'm always on the receiving end of being the disposable one whose feelings and needs and wellbeing people stop taking into consideration the moment anything happens differently in their lives, good or bad.

Also, I can say that on my part, no matter how I might be feeling, I absolutely never ever stopped considering other people, even when maybe I "whine" or need some emotional support, I'm always still also consciously thinking of the other person and no amount of anxiety or fear or anything would make me stop being around or ignore someone. That's also true for if I were to get better and be happy. I don't know, for me the knowledge of how it is to struggle makes it impossible not to consider these things, to treat those like me especially kindly and with particular patience because I know how it's like, I know no one chooses to be suffering and we all need to know someone's there in our corner. That stays with me no matter how I'm feeling.

It's hard to make friends when you have a bit of social anxiety and it's hard to meet people and being "different" too(gender non-conforming woman, quite masculine but not attracted to women so I don't even fit in the stereotypical butch category) and here it's particularly hard for me to bond with anyone as it's really hard to find others with a similar mentality, similar interests, similarly conscious of what is going on in the world, etc.

I have a couple of friends and I care about them but they've shows from the beginning and continuously that, for some reason or the other, they just can't truly empathize and be there for me so I can't have that emotional intimacy and connection with them, that you should have with close friends and they've always failed to be there for me as it would have been normal, when I had a problem(such as last month when my mom had a small surgery and that was so terrifying and stressful for me).