You had a realy good alther then, Amanda.. ) I would be glad to have one like that )
Sorry for what happened to you!

You know, one episodic traumatic event is much better than c ptsd that is living in constantly traumatic relationships.. that changes who you are.. or doesn`t even allow you to be who you are.

Talking about my traumatic events.. I don`t feel it so painful but making me more far away from me.. that is much worse! that is my main problem in fact.
I don`t think I had realised everything in the traumatic relationships I had in my familly.. it`s the allways rejecting me mother that I don`t remember a single moment of affection and closeness with.. humilliating me in front of others.. triangulating with my cousin that she allways liked - but not me.. showing she likes her while being angry with me.. :'( or even because of being angry with me.. My feelings never mattered.. I was allways the bad and guilty.. There are moments that I remember feeling like everyone is against me.. - there are my mother cousin grandmother..etc. and it feels like I was rejected from all of them and all were against me.. the feeling is of bitterness rejection loneliness.. and that I can`t - am not allowed to express anything of this.. I must just stay there.. and feeling like that.. My father was psychically absent.. not interested in me.. only interested in his own things.. that were more important than me and my feelings.. I mean material things or things he wanted to do with some material things that was more important that the way it makes me feel.. I mean.. they were doing what they want, what is comfortable for them no matter if it was hurting me.. My grandmother.. was defending my mother.. saying she`s tired etc. and I must not irritate her.. oh, I didn`t mention she - my mother - was ussually angry, yelling at us, irritated by us even for nothing.. and allways cold.. hearing her cold voice saying something to me.... and I allways felt her artificial.. with everybody.. except my father but she was allmost allways angry and irritated with him too.. so, my grandmother.. she wanted submission.. she was confusing submission with love and respect.. saying - if you love me you will do what I want and not what you want.. etc.etc...

So I don`t know what to do with all this.. looks like I just compensate it with positive emotions when I find good people I like.. but some of these people become bad and do things like my relatives.. so I fall in the trauma again.. and I can`t be, talk, connect again..

Sorry for the long post but I just let it go out..

Wish you well, Amanda!