Today talking with my T i realized with tears in my eyes that i am old. i know everything is relative but i look at myself from the outside and i see a pathetic 35 years old "girl" (cant look at myself as WOMAN) with no job, no friends and no boyfriend - let alone a husband with kids.

i know i am me and i had it harder than other people and its no surprise i was left behind by other people of my age but its not just about the comparison with others, its.... ME having nothing, not sure i want something, and my age.

i suddenly felt too old to still fight for a life, my life...
i hate life, my life, myself.
how many times did i say that already? too many to count. and these are not just words. i really want to give in. too old to live my life.

sorry this is long. thanks for reading.